Flawed & (still) Worthy
I saw this quote pop up on my Instagram last night. It read “flawed & (still) worthy”. Who wrote it? Wouldn’t have a clue but I loved it! It was exactly what I needed to hear, well… read. It was a big week for me. Lot’s of twists and turns and firsts, which were exciting but also tiring and mentally draining.
I had a lot on my mind. So much that I wasn’t even sure what I was going to write about this week. I wrote a few articles but none of them felt right to post… Just yet anyway, I had one very annoying, very specific, very persistent thing on my mind that I couldn't shake all week and to be honest with you, no matter how well my day was going or how blessed I was in that moment, I couldn't be grateful for it. Because this one thing that was on my mind wasn’t allowing me to feel very good about myself.
I felt like who I am as a person just wasn’t good enough.
I can’t actually tell you what the turning point was that changed my positive outlook into a self-doubting mindset. Not that it matters, but what I’m trying to say was, I wasn’t very kind to myself in these moments.
I was telling myself I wasn’t experienced with travel and therefore wasn’t worthy of talking to someone about life and adventures, so instead I was mute. I felt like I wasn’t worth much because I didn’t have the latest fashions or because I’m not “wealthy”. I felt like I wasn’t “smart” enough because I don’t have a university degree. Of course, I know that in the scheme of things, none of this matters and what does matter is what’s inside, such as values and how you treat others. Like I said, it was just one of those weeks.
I snapped back to reality pretty quick when I had my first audition of this year, and I rang my mum to tell her how it went. Earlier, I was so excited that I even got an audition and not just any audition. It was an audition for a horror film! If you know me then you know that it's my dream! I love horror/thrillers and have an aim in starring in one.
The audition was a pretty emotional scene. I mean, my character had just witnessed her best friend being beaten to death so I had to get pretty inconsolable, which left me feeling emotionally drained and down. I called her and we spoke about my audition which we were both really excited about, but then in my down state I turned it around onto something else and she said to me: “Kaily, why can’t you just be happy about the present moment?” Good question, mom! Something I needed to hear clearly as I was just being plainly ungrateful.
Shortly after this phone conversation ended, I was scrolling through my Insta feed and saw THE QUOTE. Coincidence? Probably, if you believe in that kind of thing.
I realised how silly I was. There’s no point in any of us telling ourselves that we’re not good enough. We all have flaws and we all have challenges in life that we go through and I think that makes some pretty awesome characteristics. It’s what makes our stories so different and to me, my story might be boring but to someone else, they might enjoy hearing about that one time I lost control of a bike and went straight into an electric fence. Maybe I haven't travelled of lately, but my mum has some pretty impressive stories about me as a two-year-old on a red-eye flight to LA. I was a terror… Anyway back on topic.
It’s our natural way of thinking to blame ourselves for a lot of our setbacks or to be too harsh on ourselves for something not working out the way we hoped it would, but I think it’s important to remember that we need to be kind to ourselves.
If roles were reversed and this was our friend or family member telling us how they felt about themselves, we would be the first ones to pick them up on it and tell them that it’s not how it is. Perhaps we need to start speaking to ourselves as if we were talking to a loved one.
We take the good with the bad in life and some weeks are harder than others but know that you are worthy. You may have flaws (everybody does) but that is what makes you interesting, and the fun part is finding people who love you for that.
Photographer: Alexander Tull @alexandertull
Model: Kaily Emma Smith @kailyemmasmith